I was going to arrange a press release for the following news, but felt that after the fiasco that ensued when the Raelians came out with the news that they had cloned the first human, I thought I’d keep it low-key.
About a year ago I set off into the field of stem sell research. My research didn’t last too long however, when it was pointed out to me that nobody actually wanted to buy flowers that had had their heads and leaves removed (if you gotta think about that one, move on..).
Undaunted, and knowing that my career was destined to improve at some point (I even considered that one day I might be famous, but I think that this annoucement will sweep all doubts aside), I bought some more text books, did a bit more reading, and then set to work.
My studies led me to the realisation that the world is not a happy enough place, so I set about, just a week or so ago, trying to change that. Before I reveal my groundbreaking news and go into the technical side of things, let me just asure you that I do not believe that my great great grandfather was from Tau Alpha 4 (he was actually from Spetina Prime in the Gamma quadrant) and the research is not the result of any religious beliefs (although recently I have been saying ‘Thank God’ quite a lot).
Technology has advanced to a degree that allows us to do almost anything we set our hearts to, and it has helped me to reach the point in my career where I am proud to anounce the following:
Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased – no, thrilled to announce that I have, finally, perfected the art and science of human clowning.
(I know I should wait for the applause and cheers to die down at this point, but I am so excited I must go on..)
Devloping the first, gentically produced, human clown is a landmark in the field of human phonetics. I will unashamedly provide details on the tools I have used to achieve this, in the hope that my work may be carried forward in the name of science and allow me to follow in the footprints of the greats – Mr. Petri, who invented the petri dish, and Mr. Test, without whom we would be without tubes – to name but two.
My idea was simple. I took a book of jokes and practical pranks (named, incidentally, Jokes and Practical Pranks, for those who want to try this at home), and set about masticating it in an attempt to reduce it to it constituent parts. This didn’t work, and it didn’t taste nice. Once I had grasped the notion that funny had to be universal, I decided that in order for this to work and overcome language and cultural barriers, I would have to make the human clowns funny looking instead.
My tools were simple but effective:
An Etch-a-sketch, for the intricate diagrams and blueprints from which I worked;
A Mr Potato Head, with the Beach-Dude body parts expansion pack;
Some Clown Monthly magazines, for inspiration;
A Swiss Army knife, for the fiddly bits;
and the support of family and friends who put up with my constant giggling throughout my endeavours.
It won’t take a genius to realise for themselves the methods, so I wo’n’t go into that now, but all I can do now is ask you to be patient as we all wait for the results, which will, I am sure, be forthcoming when I can find a suitable person of the female persuasion to offer to carry the worlds first human clown, and go down with me in the history books as being the people who ‘didn’t really know what they were doing, but did it anyway, and wow, look what they did!’
Thank you. I am sure you all have lots of questions, but I am afraid I must go now and make some final adjustments to Mr Potato Head before I complete the screening of my female ‘applicants’.
For further details, please contact my PR chap, who I am sure will do a fine job avoiding your questions and prizing the proof of it all right out of your hands with some lame excuse, and succeed only in promoting my Cult Of The Truly Dreadful Tasting Sprout.
Thank you again. Goodbye.