Right, Men, Into Your Tanks!

“Politically, there would be nothing better for President Bush
than to remove Saddam and disarm Iraq without firing a shot,”
a Western diplomat is quoted as saying.
[BBC News]Maybe.

Ok, let me be honest – politics really isn’t my thing, but I can’t help wonder about the mentality of sending hundreds of thousands of soldiers on a camping trip near the Iraqi border, if you don’t intend telling them to do what soldiers are trained to do.

The UN weapons inspectors are inspecting for weapons. They have found some cannnisters that might be used in the construction of chemical weapons. Iraq claims that information on these cannisters was provided in the declaration that they had supplied to the UN (that’s right – the one that Saddam had a bunch of people stay up all night to write after an evening out on the town) so now the UN has to go away and read it again because pages 22,346 and 22,347 were stuck together and that’s where the info was. Probably. Other than that they have (at least claimed) to have found nothing out of the ordinary.

Like they would?

Saddam has had more than enough time to hide anything incriminating, and I am pretty sure that the UN wo’n’t find anything outrageously obvious. Saddam is too mad (ermm, clever) to allow anything like that to happen. And I am pretty sure that the UN inspection team wo’n’t look in the most obvious place. I am not going to give the game away, but here’s a hint, Hans: why do you think Saddam walks the way he does, and constantly has a tense grin plastered all over his face? In fact, him and ALL his clones do. (Yep, there was a cult (no, not a typo) who claimed to have successfully cloned the first human recently. Wake up and smell the coffee, you cult people you. Iraq perfected the technique years ago – just check out Iraqi news reels – every man there is a clone of Saddam!)
That is where are the missiles are hidden! Sheesh. And they are still wasting time checking under Saddam’s bed.

So what set of circumstances would lead to a US-led invasion of Iraq?

1) The UN finds what the US is looking for after the Iraqis have a particuarly heavy night eating curry and drinking whatever they are allowed to drink (suspicions grow when, the following morning, all Saddam clones seem to walk ‘normal’ like).

Outcome:
Mr Bush says “I knew it!”
Allies jump in tanks and drive to Iraq.

2) The UN finds nothing of note and comes away ‘satisfied’ that Saddam is an honest man and a pretty good croquet player to boot.

Outcome:
Mr. Bush says “That can’t be right. I am going to go and have a look myself.”
Allies jump in tanks and drive to Iraq.

3) Iraq gets fed up of the UN trampling all over their newly mown lawn (satellite photos indicated that the sign said ‘Keep Off The Grass”, not “Weapons Of Mass Destruction Ahead”) and throws them out before a celebratory night eating curry and drinking whatever they are allowed to drink.

Outcome:
Mr Bush says “Now that really is suspicious!”
Allies jump in tanks and drive to Iraq.

4) Saddam and his nearest and dearest are removed by Iraq’s neighbours and by those in the Iraqi government who want to stay alive, and a more ‘politically correct’ government is set up.

Outcome:
Mr Bush says “Ah, bugger! I wonder what it would have been like to attack..”
Allies jump in tanks and drive to Iraq.

Okay, maybe not the last one, but you get my idea. Mr Bush strikes me as being like a little boy with soldiers. What’s the point in having them if you can’t use them? I can see his pre-invasion speech now. All about how necessary it is to go to war on Iraq, regardless. And his closing words?

“Right men, into your tanks.”

Disclaimer: The above does not necessarily reflect the feelings, thoughts or opinions of the person who wrote it, who had to leave the room when the nurse came in to say that they were handing out the meds. The writer is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information contained therein. It is not to be taken seriously and may not be copied in whole or part and used in any pre-invasion speech.

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