I have woken up SOOO saddened by the events of last night.
Okay, the non-events.
Last night, two female friends promised to fly from some random point in the US, let themselves in and do unspeakably rude things to me as I lay there in bed. It never happened. Nothing. Not even so much as a dirty footprint on the patio, never mind dirty night of anything else.
It’s not like I didn’t give them detailed instructions. The key would be left under the you-know-what. They can get past the savage man-eating guard hampster by tiptoeing quietly if he’s asleep, or by making female hampster noises to him if he’s awake (he’s short sighted, and it would confuse him enuff for them to sneak past). Once inside, the two ninja mice can be bribed with cheese and tomato pizza. No toppings as I wouldn’t want to spoil them. The last line of defence is my Kamikaze Kitten, which can be put to sleep by singing to it, or if you can get the words right, use the password: Baa Ram Ewe (or something like that, I can never remember myself). I even told them which bedroom I am in and how to find it.
Maybe it sounds a bit extreme to have all these security measures?
Listen, I am a guy living on my own. I can’t have people like Angelina Jolie-dressed-as-Lara Croft trying to get in night after night, trying to steal my mojo, can I?