Alternative Genesis, Chapter 3

1

Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field, that typically sat around eating grass and minding their own business, as the LORD God had wanted them to do, for grass was good. And the serpent saw that the woman was naked and said unto her”‘Nice!” and “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?”

2

And the woman screamed and said “A talking snake!” and then recovered, and said unto the serpent “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden, even the ones that make us sick

3

“But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said ‘Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, least ye die.’ Which I think is a bit harsh, but he’s God, after all.”

4

And the serpent said unto the woman, “Ye shall not surely die, verily that is a bit harsh:

5

“For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” And the woman said “What’s that?” And the serpent replied “Exactly'”

6

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and was not a Palo Verde, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. “Om nom nom” said he unto her. And she agreed.

7

And the eyes of them both were opened, metaphorically speaking, of course, and they knew that they were naked and not naturists; and forgoing the leaf of the elephant ear plant, which would have made them a full wardrobe in no time at all, they sewed fig leaves together with the needle and thread that the LORD God had used to sew up Adam,  and made themselves aprons. And behold, they weren’t very good, because the man and the woman had not sewed before. And Adam no longer was able to gaze any more upon the breasts of the woman. “Ah crap” said he unto himself.

8

And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. Disguised as they were in their aprons of fig leaves, they thought it prudent to hide behind the fig tree, and make the noise of the figs, to add to their disguise.

9

And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, “Marco!”

10

And Adam said, automatically, “Polo!” and unto himself he said “Damn!” and then said unto the LORD God “I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked and it’s a little bit cold even under this apron; and I hid myself.”

11

And The LORD God said unto Adam, “Who told thee that thou wast naked?” (‘And is ‘wast’ really a word, I wonder!’ pondered he unto himself.) “Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? (And again he pondered the word ‘shouldest’ and wondered if he should invent a dictionary and refer to it.)

12

And the man said, “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.” And the woman came out from behind a fig tree, behindeth which she was well hidden, and said “Oh blame me, why don’t you!” But truly it was her fault.

13

And the LORD God said unto the woman, “What is this that thou hast done?” And the woman said, “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. And then we made for ourselves these fancy aprons.” And lo the woman turned aroundeth and asked “Does it make my bum look big?”

14

And the LORD God said unto the serpent, “Marco!” And the serpent replied “Polo,” and then said unto himself ‘Damn!’ And the LORD God findeth the serpent right away, and said unto him “Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life.” And the serpent thought unto itself  ‘Well that sucketh.’

15

And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, for it be a heavy seed, and thou shalt bruise his heel. Or her heel, whatever.”

16

Unto the woman he said, “I will greatly multiply thy sorrow, and I shall invent sport to distract the man from his tasks; and thy conception–in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” And the woman replieth unto the LORD God, saying “He was bossing me about anyway.”

17

And unto Adam he said, “Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, ‘Thou shalt not eat of it.’ ” And Adam said quietly unto himself (lest the woman hear), “It was your fault!” And the LORD God, also hearing him not, for he was still talking, continued:  “cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life.” And the serpent, hearing this, tried to give Adam a high-five, but having no limbs was not able.

18

“Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee, so I’d recommend you maketh yourself some shoes; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field–even after Monsanto gets hold of it shalt thou eatest of it.”

19

“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread (so I’d recommend you make some sort of bandana), till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.” And Adam looked unto the woman and said “See what you’ve done?”

20

And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because it was easy to spell and she was the mother of all living, except for all that came before her, which was pretty much everything.

21

Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them. And Adam was not so cold, and that made Eve smile.

22

And the LORD God said, “Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever.” And Eve, who wanted to know everything, for she was a woman, and not afraid to ask, said “Who dost thou talk to?” And the LORD God said “Umm.. Never mind. Forget I utterest anything.”

23

Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken. But Adam had not tilling tools, so asked “With what shall I till?” And the LORD God made tools for tilling, and gaveth them unto Adam, and he tilled.

24

So he drove out the man in his shiny new SUV, and dropped him off near the place to be tilled; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, which he thought was a really cool name, and a flaming sword which turned every way, even as there was nobody to hold it and turn it, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest Eve get hungry again.

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