Alternative Genesis, Chapter 2

Genesis, 2

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
And on the seventh day God called it quits, all that he had made, and he smoked some more grass and took bit of a rest on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
And God blessed the seventh day, though it sneezeth not, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work, etc., etc.
These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth (probably the first one) when they were created, in the day that the LORD God (for he was now mightily proud of all that he had done so thought he deserved a treat and started going by the name LORD God) made the earth and heavens.
And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had forgotten to water them, and there was no man to till the ground. Well there was but that was the first book.
But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground, and then the umbrella was invented.
And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, for he had found a dry bit, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and filled it with roses, rhododendrons, wisteria and other things, and there he put the man whom he had formed.
And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, including the palo verde–but that was probably a mistake–and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
And a river went out of Eden to water the garden that was outside of Eden, and lo another one probably came in to water the garden that was in Eden; and from thence the one going out it was parted, and became into four heads.
The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold and many happy prospectors who would drink of the waters of Pison and make fun of the name.
And the gold of the land is good, whence probably comes the phrase ‘good as gold’: there is bdellium, if anyone knows what that is, and the onyx stone.
And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
And the name of the third river is something funny sounding: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria–you know the one. And the fourth river is Euphrates.
And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden (again) to dress it and keep it.
And the LORD God commanded the man, for he was feeling bossy, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you mayest freely eat, even if they taste funny and make you sick:
“But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shall surely die.” And lo, the man said “Sounds a bit harsh.”
And the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” And the man said “What about the couple you made before? She was cute. And whilst thou art at it, wilst thou invent beer?”
And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, including the chicken, and brought them unto Adam, for tho it be not written, that was his name, to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof, except the chicken, for Adam had wanted to call it “flappy thing” but the LORD God had told him not to be so silly.
And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a help meet for him, though he had asked the LORD God multiple times what it was. And lo, the man had considered the sheep as an help meet, but he was not Australian so it was not appropriate.
And the LORD God said unto Adam “Here, take a puff and pass it around,” and verily the grass was strong for Adam and it caused him to take a long nap, and he slept, as was customary when one takes a nap: and the LORD God took one of his ribs, but closed up the flesh instead thereof, and was skillful with the needle and thread;
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a female of the species, who was similar to man, but talketh more, and brought her unto the man, and woke him up, for he had taken a big drag and was still passed out.
And Adam looked unto her breasts and said “WO, man!”, and thus was she called forever more. And Adam said, also, “Now I have a boner, and this is the bone of both my boner and my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because, well…” And continued he him to gazeth upon her breasts.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh, especially in the bedroom.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed, for the man could continue to looketh upon the woman’s breasts, and his boner went down not.