Nurses Have Seen It All

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don’t know; I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”

The ward supervisor was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught, so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

“Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Being a nurse of long standing, the nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!”

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back???”

Please Help!

I need help with a problem I have. Please leave a comment if you can help with my dilemma..

I have been engaged for almost a year. My fiancee’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I could be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

OK, here’s the thing – should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Today’s Lesson – Biology

I don’t want to tax your brains too much, so today will be the last of the lessons..

Please pay attention you at the back!

Biology :-

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax,the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, The borax contains the heart and lungs. The abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”?
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English :-

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (from a UK advert for washing-up liquid – Armafair)

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology:-

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head

Today’s Lesson – Geography and Sociology

Today, Geography ans Sociology. Actual answers from exam questions that will only help expand your knowlege of, well, Geography and Sociology, I guess..

Geography :-

Q: Name the four seasons?
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology :-

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Today’s Lesson – Geography

Back to school you lot.. Today’s lesson – GEOGRAPHY!!!

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Serbia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are unpatrolled…. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq – ruled by a d!ck.

Funny Doctor Stories

Here some medical problems.. Make sure you don’t end up on the list:

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. MMD,
San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.
Dr. RB, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
Dr. SS,
Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. “Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. MT, Worcester, MA

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see…. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. RSC, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.”
Dr. SS, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled “KY Jelly.”
Dr. LK, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”