Tribute To Thora Hird

It was winter, and the snow lay thick on the ground. One clear night, the temperature dropped down well below freezing, and in the early hours, Farmer Giles got up to feed his cows.

Driving his tractor through the fields, he finally came across his cows, only to find them all frozen solid. He turned his tractor around and raced back to the farmhouse, where he told his wife what had happened.

Unruffled, his wife made a phone call and then told her husband that they should go back to the cows. They both got on the tractor and the farmer drove back to where his cows were standing, still frozen stiff.

Presently, a little old lady came up the cows. She reached out her hands to each cow in turn, and no sooner did she touch one of the animals it defrosted and wandered off in the direction of the milking shed. One by one the little old lady touched the cows, until soon they were all ambling across the field.

Once she was done, the old lady wandered off again.

The farmer just stared in disbelief. “Who was that?” he asked of his wife.

“The old lady? Why that was Thora Hird.”

[It’s the only Thora Hird joke I know 😉 – a small tribute to a little old lady. RIP Dame Thora Hird.]

Childhood Diseases Affect You As An Adult

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,”Ewww – what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?”

“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.

“You mean polio?” she asked.

“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. “What’s wrong with your knees?” she asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.

“You mean measles?” she asked.

“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess… Smallcox?”

An Unfortunate Child

A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test and the doctor invites her in to sit down.

“I’m sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.”

“What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I’ll love it. It’s my child and I’ll love it regardless.”

“Well, yes, of course,… but your child has no legs.”

“Oh dear. Well, it’s my child, and I’ll love it regardless.”

“And it hasn’t got any arms either.”

“What?”

“Exactly what I said. Your child doesn’t have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear.”

“Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it’s my child, and I’ll love it. I’ll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it.”

“Mrs. Smith, one last thing….

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Are Snails A Good Choice For DInner?

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some of their friends. The wife wanted everything to be just right, but at the last minute realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party.

“Darling,” she said, “I’ve forgotten the snails. Grab the bucket and run down to the beach and get some, quick!”

He grunted but agreed. Taking the bucket, he walked out the door, down the steps, and onto the beach.

As he was bending down collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling along a little way down the beach. He thought to himself, “What I would give to have her come over and talk to me..” He continued gathering snails.

All of a sudden he felt someone standing over him and he looked up to find the beautiful woman was standing next to him! They started talking and after a short while she invited him back to her house, further up the beach. One thing led to another, the evening passed quickly and they spent the night together.

At six the next morning he woke up, looked at the clock and cried, “Oh no! The dinner party!”

He got out of bed, got dressed as quickly as he could, picked up his bucket, and ran out the door and back up the beach to his house.

As he was climbing the stairs to the front door he tripped and dropped the bucket of snails. At that moment, his wife opened the door and glared at him, furiously.

The man looked up at her, then back to the snails and said “Come on you guys, we’re almost there!”

Tales From The Tube

Tube Tales

Those of you who suffer the underground will find this a laugh, it’s a list of actual announcements that Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”

“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl ‘step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun… unfortunately towels are not provided’.

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall….”

“We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don’t think about things like that”

“This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors.”

“Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I’m sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but ‘they’ have other ideas. I mean, why tell me – I’m merely the driver…”

“We can’t move off because someone has their f***ing hand stuck in the door.”

“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!”
He gave up…
“Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”
Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand.”

What Does Armafair Mean?

I have had a few people query the source of ‘..up with the saluous armafairs’

It’s from one of my poems, and is about love. Called:

Love’s Poem
OR
An Attempt To Put Into Words The Feeling Of Love That We Hold In Our Hearts
OR
Even Moligrunts Have Tentipots

Yep, no prizes for guessing that it is nonsense verse, inspired by Carroll’s ‘Jabberwocky’.

I’ll write it out if ya’ like.

The Panda Connection

The Panda connection.

A panda stops his car on a street corner and picks up a ‘lady of the night’, and they both go back to her place for a bit of something.

When they arrive, the panda says ‘before we start, could you make me a sandwich, as I am a little hungry.’

The prostitue thinks it a little odd, but decides to add it to the panda’s account and after making it, watches him greedily eat the food. They both strip off and get into bed.

An hour or so later, after the panda has finished, he gets out of bed and gets dressed. It is only as he is about to leave that the prostitute questions him about the money he owes her.

‘I don’t understand,’ says the panda. ‘I have to pay you?’

The prostitute hands him a dictionary and tells the panda to look up the word prostitute. He casually flips through the book, finds the correct page and reads: ‘Prostitute – One who charges money for sex.’ The panda smiles, closes the book and hands it back, saying ‘You had better look up the word panda.’

As he leaves, and the door closes behind him, the prostitute reads aloud, ‘Panda – Eats shoots and leaves.’

Do Blondes Have More Fun?

BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN (when they know what’s going on..)

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, “You don’t like getting flowers?”

The redhead says, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?