An Alternative Version of The Book of Genesis.

Genesis, 1

In the beginning, God created everything that wasn’t. For that which wasn’t, wasn’t, and God thought it a shame, so created he it.
And God said, “Wait, I’m not done yet, for truly, I cannot see what it is I have created, for it is dark!” So God created light, and the light shone upon all that God had created. And he looked upon it all, spread out before him and behind him and to each side, and also above and below, for he was in the middle of it and also all about it at the same time.
And God said, “Trippy!”
But the earth, being by far the most important of God’s creations, was still without form, except that is was spherical, so truly had some form. And God saw that the earth was in a dark place, and so created he a light to shine upon it but not for all time. In some places more than twelve hours did the light shine, but in others far less.
And God called the light “day”, and the time when no light shone he called “night”. And the transitions between each was the morning and the evening. And so ended the first day.
And God did something with the waters that would not truly be understood, even for countless numbers of that which was called days, hence.
But God was not one to apologise for the lack of understanding, least of all because he was alone and had nobody to apologise to.
And God called that which was little understood “Heaven”, and that was day two.
Then God said “Earth is truly very wet with water,” and dry land appeared, which was not wet.
And God called the dry land “Earth,” not to be confused with “earth”, and where it was still wet he called “Seas” so as not to be confused with anything. And the transitions between each he called beaches, and did consider property prices there, and God saw that they would be good.
And God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, and herb yielding seed after its kind, and the tree which will yield fruit, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth, which is not wet and shall therefore not be washed away:” and it was so.
And the earth brought forth grass, and God did smoke some, and then sat back and did nothing for a while. And the earth also brought forth that which had seed that did not yet belong to Monsanto, and in those days it yielded fruit after it kind: and God saw that it was good, and thought about Monsanto, and said himself “Lo, that is not so good!” but did nothing about it.
And the evening and the morning were the third day.
And God said, “Let there be lights in the Heaven to separate the day from the night, lest it not be obvious, and let them be for signs, such as when to wake up and when to go to sleep, and for seasons, and for days, and years.
“And let them shine down to give light upon the earth:” and it was so.
And God made two big lights. In fact one was really big but the other not so big. And the biggest one ruled the day, and the one that was not so big, and not really a light, ruled the night. Oh, and he made the stars, too.
And God put them in the sky, to give light upon the earth, as previously mentioned.
And to rule over the day and over the night, also as previously mentioned and, lo, at the risk of sounding really repetitious, to divide the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good.
And the evening and the morning and the time in between, were the fourth day.
And God said, “And now for the cool bit. Let the waters bring forth lots of creatures that have life, and can move, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the sky, for that is the best place for them to fly.”
And God created some really big creatures called whales, and every living thing that moved, which the waters brought forth lots of, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind, and even the chicken, which could not fly so well: and God saw that it was good.
And the animals smelled the grass and did sneeze, and God blessed them, and said to them, “Have sex, and lots of babies, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.”
And that was the fifth day, which as God had said, was pretty cool.
And God said, “Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cows and things, and the creeping thing that shall freak people out, and the beast of the earth after his kind:” and it was so.
And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and everything that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that is was good. Except for the mosquito, which was not so good, but which he did nothing about.
And God said “Let us make man in our image,” and said that in such a way as to confuse everyone thereafter. “And after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the chicken, and over the cows and things, and over all the earth, not to be confused with the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and even the spider though it will, indeed, cause many to run the other way, regardless of the difference in size between them and it, and the speed at which they will run, them and it both.”
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God re-read that bit, and confused him he it.
And also did the man and the woman sneeze, and God blessed them, and God said unto them, “Have sex,” and he winked at them, knowingly, and said also unto them, “and multiply, even though everything after your kind will grow up to be teenagers and know all that there is to know, but know nothing at the same time, and will be a burden unto you until they bring forth their own after their own kind. Oh, and replenish the earth, even though there are only two of you, and you will have to have lots of sex because I made a lot of dry land to replenish with your kind. And have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the chicken, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth, including the creepy spider.”
And God said, “Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth (not to be confused with the earth), and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed, which sounds a bit complicated but for which I will not apologise, even though I have now someone to apologise to. And to you it shall be meat.
“And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat, which verily will piss off the lion mucheth, for I did not make him a herbivore:” and it was so.
And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good, especially the grass. And the evening and the morning, and the light bit in between, longer in some places than others, were the sixth day.